secrets to blog success

really, the best way i’ve found to attract strange visitors is to really load my blog up with tantalizing buzzwords that may or may not have anything to do with what i’m actually talking about.  examples:  “ruptured bellybutton“, “sexy ass“, “people smoking cigarettes“, “penis cloud“, “macauley culkin“, “stink pickle“, “pugs in trouble“, and any number of superglue topics – “superglue fun”, “getting superglue out of hair”, “superglue + all weather”.  update: i got a new one – “play super glue nail games”.

oh yeah, and this doesn’t hurt, either:

are u up on this?

i just got 3 wisdom teeth yanked out of my gums. but apparently my tooth extraction was too “routine” so i don’t even get the pain pills or milkshakes or anything else that comes with getting your wisdom teeth out. what a bummer. i was kind of looking forward to sitting around and watching mr. show all day in a goopey haze tomorrow. now it just looks like i’ll have to sit there, fully aware of my strugglin’ gums.

anyway, i thought i would be more swollen than i am, so i’m still a sexy m.f.. i will just think about this photo for a little while and watch the national news. that should do pretty well to put me into a coma.

you can also click through for some very entertaining vulgarity.

teaching lessons

this weekend was a very productive and positive time of teaching and learning and advanced children and faraway family reuniting.  i was so pumped to see lisa and ben and their kids sam (5y) and eli (3m).  and do they ever disappoint?  hell, no.

i will say that sam is my favorite type of little boy.  imaginative, into legos, talkative, losing teeth so his mouth is full of spit half of the time, into dinosaurs and a small prodigy.  and it was very touching to see dave (grandpa) recalling the scene at the end of the hunt for red october where sean connery and alec baldwin both reminisce about their shared experience of their grandfathers teaching them to fish.  it was touching.  dave even started choking up.  it was worth it.

killer jams

happy birthday, 2 days ago, to a mister to end all misters.  we partied and celebrated and rocked and chilled.  and worked really hard and entertained and helped each other.  it was a nice weekend, and it will be a nice 29.

my eyelid knows more than i do

well, it seems that my right eyelid has some sort of psychic ability to foretell misfortune.  you heard it here first:  aph has a mystic eyelid. 

or, to be more plain about it, my eyelid had been twitching for about 4 days and everyone was telling me it was from stress and yada yada.  well, come to find out at about 9 last night, it was really just telling me in advance about the game of bumper cars i was going to play with an illegal alien on 15-501.  it was basically a side-view mirror to side-view mirror attack that i waged on him.  real slick.  anyway, my dreaded first scratch has now happened so i can stop being paranoid about getting that and start being paranoid about ever changing lanes again, ever.  even more important than that, though, is the fact that my eyelid hasn’t twitched since the incident.

in the meantime, wayne and dookie came to visit and we had a great time at the quarry and the derby and the fuse and the hell.  and the celtics won.  and i stayed up way too late and still woke up early and watched men’s gymnastics and sweated a lot.  and, because she’s a looker, here’s a picture of penelope bruz:

a long time coming

i found my first gray hair today!  i’m attributing it to buying the yaris.  i’m really excited about gray hair.  i mean, i have so many idols that have really beautiful silver hair.  seriously.  my mom and david byrne are basically two of my favorite people to ever grace this fine planet and look how hot they both are!

also, and this is the opposite of a joke, i have wanted a bonnie rait-style gray streak since i was a little kid.  it’s actually a goal of mine.  my gray hair inspired me to go get a haircut by a professional tomorrow to get all this grody dye cut out.  i doubt i will ever dye my hair again, now that i have this sweet gray hair!

you tell me

how do you spend your sunday afternoons?

oh, milestones

i have been stressing the hell out of this stupid dnc business.  all i want is for it to be over and for people to stop being petty, unreasonable and petty.  come on, tuesday, because i am sick of having small panic attacks every day.  that is that.

in the meantime, i drove 1000 miles in my new car.  which is basically perverse, to drive 1000 miles in a week and a half, but excitement is excitement and thrills are thrills.  it is cool.  i still don’t have a name for it, other than yaris! and little bean.  i pledge to keep it real, however it ends up.